dump

Have you ever looked for an apartment on craigslist? Realtor lingo always carries this exciting tone, "Extravagant 300 sq. ft. studio in Canarsie", "Fabulous Gem!", "Will not last!!", "Deal of a lifetime!", Sun-drenched"....

By now I know that cozy refers to a small room with an efficiency kitchen and shared bathroom, and charming describes that the apartment is totally in need of renovations.. oh, and it's small too.

So, I went to see a place tonight. Here's the ad along with some of my own words:

MAGNIFICENT 1 BEDROOM APT (2 BDRM RAILROAD STYLE) (Meaning if you sleep on a futon in the living room area, you now have a 2 bedroom?) LOCATED IN A 6 FAMILY HOUSE ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

"A SMILE IS CONTAGIOUS"

ok.. wtf is this and why is it here?

WE HAVE FRIENDLY PROFESSIONAL TENANTS ONLY!!! (riiiight, like the guy I saw walking around the halls without his shirt on who went into the apt that had piles of beer bottles stacked outside the door? Or are they referring to the downstairs neighbor who has a giant skull hanging on his front door?)

OK, in my defense, I looked at this picture and I thought, so what if there's some crap around, these people are moving out.... and besides, other than the clothes and boxes, it looks relatively clean.... Well YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I SAW. The place stank like old, stale cigarettes. There were plates all over the "kitchen" full of rotten food with flies on it. Some sort of "hamburger" looking thing was hanging off the side of the stove... the bathtub.. omg... I would rather shower with a garden hose. Not to mention the gaping hole in the ceiling in the lobby area, the poorly plastered sections of the apartment where there had been water damage, and to finish the experience off, on my way out I noticed a sticker on the door that said, "HEY CHEESE DICK"

THIS AMAZING APARTMENT INCLUDES:

• Shiny polished floors. lie
• Freshly painted. lie
• Apartment recently renovated. big fat lie
• Wood kitchen. what?
• Close to lots of great stores. I don't care if it was in the west village, I wouldn't live there.
• Close to laundromat.

COUPLE OF BLOCKS FROM THE L TRAIN @ MONTROSE (lie... 5 is not a couple) & G TRAIN BY UNION

WHICH IS 10 MINUTES FROM THE CITY!!
Lie- the G train doesn't go to the city

CALL JOE "IMMEDIATELY" BEFORE THIS IS GONE
I have no idea what kind of person would pay to live in that place. I needed a shower after I left.

The following items are required in order to get an appointment for viewing the apartment:

Good credit score & Proof of income

Sorry no programs accepted.

LOCATED BY MONTROSE &LORIMER.

31 Montrose is a filthy, stinking, heap of shit.